In Aeternum, 1/1, Hawkeye Pierce

[scarfman]

Here's the first entry in my responses to the drabble meme (where on LiveJournal "drabble" doesn't necessarily mean 100 words like it did on Usenet). finnyb asked for a piece featuring Hawkeye Pierce. This isn't a new work, but it's new to the internet: it was written for an English composition class in 2003.

In Aeternum

The wisecracking surgeon wanders down the corridor amongst faces familiar to him and to us all. "Nice with the PC leather jacket, Fonzie. Lieutenant, you ever wash that coat? Hey, Martin, come watch the game later - I got cable, I won't make you sit on top of the set."

But this isn't the environment - that is, the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital - where one would expect to find Hawkeye Pierce. This is the Hollywood Home for Retired Television Characters.

Hawkeye is shuffling down the hall in the red bathrobe he brought with him from his tv show, sporting the black but graying head known to viewers worldwide. He trades wisecracks with Murray Slaughter, dispenses medical advice to Samantha Stevens who has a cold in her nose.

"They're all here," is his blithe assurance. "All the ones with staying power, that is. There was an animator with a goofy grin who showed up one day in 1984 and just faded out in a week and no one noticed. And I can't tell you how often they've lost someone with Don Rickles' face. Of course no one complains about that."

Now he's in the rec room. Gilligan asks Hawkeye whether he's seen Clark Kent and Lord Greystoke lately. "The innocents abroad? They've been revived again. Got a facelift in the bargain, both of'em. Hadn't you heard? Where you been, a desert island?"

Hawkeye finds a comfortable chair for solitaire or, perhaps later, poker. Captain Kirk and the Six Million Dollar Man are playing table tennis, half a dozen Charlie's Angels are giving Jessica Fletcher a makeover, and Wonder Woman and Buffy the Vampire Slayer pass through wearing workout clothes, but most of the residents hail from sitcoms. The Brady and Huxtable kids are playing records and eating cookies. Maxwell Smart peers from behind a potted plant as Colonel Klink and Mr. Drysdale plot belated, doomed revenge. Erkel and Opie play chess.

"Those two say it all, don't they?" says Hawkeye, meaning the chess players. "Times have changed. From hometown America in black and white to would-be home boys in international distress orange. For one brief, shining moment me, Mary and - with all his faults - Archie showed the world what the medium could do. Now, next fall we get in here those six friends who agonized for a decade over who sleeps with who. Actually I might have something to contribute on that score, once they're here ..."

As this remark shows, Hawkeye hasn't changed all that much. Most of the time he spends in the common area is spent girlwatching. "That Jeannie girl, I hear she's like magic. ... I have a good track record with redheads. But then I'd have some 'splaining to do." When he leaves for his room, though, he leaves alone. "Fame is a fickle mistress, but my own."

Back in his room, he grins and beckons mock-conspiratorily toward the closet. Opening the door, he unveils the gin still from his tent on the show. "Those Smithsonian people think they got the original," he winks. "They'll never figure it out - they never use it."

He takes a martini glass off the top shelf in the closet, pours himself a drink at the spigot, and administers the finishing touch out of an olive jar. "Here's to where everybody knows your name," he toasts. He takes a sip and has a coughing fit for twenty seconds. "Smooth.

"I see Alan Alda on tv sometimes," Hawkeye says. "Boy, is that guy falling apart."

Comments

[pbristow.livejournal.com]

"like it did on Usenet"?!?

Heavens to Betsy, boy, you need an education! =:o}

[scarfman]

I know drabbles didn't originate on Usenet. But it's where most of my readers and I first learned the rules that much or most of LJ ignore or don't know.

[alienfish.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, I love it. How would the Doctor fit in?

[scarfman]

At the time of writing, the Doctor would have been next door in the Home for Retired Cult Characters - but for less than a year.

[finnyb.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is cool!

[scarfman]

Thanks for reading.

[finnyb.livejournal.com]

You're welcome!