Disorderly 1/1; Kirk, the Doctor; PG-13

[scarfman]

Title: Disorderly 1/1
Author: scarfman
Characters/Pairing: Kirk, Doctor Nine
Rating: PG-13 for alcoholic inebriation and attempted violence
Setting (spoilers through): both franchises, immediately pre-revivals
Disclaimer: This work is derivative of property of the BBC and Paramount Pictures. No profit shall be made and no market of the owner(s) is infringed upon.
Summary: How to avoid a barfight without really trying.
This is only the third new work expressly attached to the crossover universe I worked in 1996-2004 since I started posting new fanfiction on LJ in 2007, only the second Star Trek crossover, and my first crossover of the Doctor Who and Star Trek revivals. Not exactly inspired by, but conceived while I was reading, cole_chan's The Encounter.
Drunk comedy has become un-P.C. since M.A.D.D., but I grew up in the era of M*A*S*H and the last of the vaudevillans, so get off my lawn.
crossposted scarfman dwfiction crossing_who st_reboot trekfics

---

"Stupid ape," came an imprecation from somewhere else on the ground. It was a Manchester accent. I ought to be a linguist, Kirk thought, I'd be very cunning at it. Some jokes never grow old.

Kirk struggled to a sitting position. The guy he'd run into, who'd been exiting the bar Kirk hadn't been thrown out of yet (as opposed to the other three Kirk had visited since dusk) was taller, had shorter hair, and wore a leatherer jacket. He was propped up and sitting on the ground outside the bar door too, and staring at Kirk very fuzzily. No, the fuzz was in Kirk's eyes. No it wasn't, not all of it.

"You look like a friend of mine," said the guy. "Except younger, and stupider."

"You look old and stupid," Kirk reciprocated cheerfully. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor."

"Good, you're going to need yourself if you don't stop blocking my way."

"I'm blockin' your way?" During this exchange they'd both levered to their feet, and were glaring mistily at each other from wobbly stances. "You're the one oscillatin' enough to take up two people's space on a path."

"That's not me," Kirk lied, "that's your double vision. What have you been drinking anyway? I'll try some after I've knocked you down on purpose."

"Best stuff in the world," the guy said. "Pure homogenized Vitamin D."

Kirk barked a guffaw. "You got this hopped up on milk?"

"Lactose and alcohol are both just sugars with ideas above their station," the guy retorted. Had a point too.

"Yeah, well, anyway," said Kirk. He assumed a boxing stance (though it was an incorrect assumption) and edged toward the guy, who reciprocated.

After what seemed like a minute or two (it was seven) Kirk realized the other guy was waiting for him to throw the first punch too. "This is ridiculous," he said, dropping his fists momentarily, then taking his swing when the other guy thought his guard was down. Both of them failed to connect, and both ended up on the ground.

This time Kirk got up facing the bar, the other guy facing the road, back to back, well out of each other's fields of vision. Musta knocked him outta the county, thought Kirk, and went in; while, unseen, the Doctor stumbled across the road to the TARDIS.

fin