My tweets

Apr. 13th, 2017 12:00 pm
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scarfman: (scarfman)
If I'm going to export to archive, maybe I should do it with [ profile] qtrhorserider's LJ too.

My tweets

Feb. 15th, 2017 12:00 pm
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My tweets

Feb. 3rd, 2017 12:00 pm
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scarfman: (scarfman)
[grief post]

Today it’s two years since my wife passed away. Last time I wrote about this was to say that I was disappointed at how little the Doctor Who Christmas special affected me, but then the second time I watched it… I’ve felt differently about her loss at different times in the time since, and I guess that’s how it’s going to be till I see her again (outside of dreams). My mother asked whether I was doing something special and suggested I ought to do something Leah would want me to enjoy, so I’ll be seeing Ghostbusters and Star Trek Beyond the third time each. Then I’ll come home and watch The Doctor’s Wife because that’s what I’ve reached in my rewatch anyway.

Today is also the traditional date for The Hero of Three Faces to come off its annual summer hiatus so, if there hasn’t been enough never-before-seen MSPaint Doctor Who panel cartoon fan art in your life lately, go check it out.

My tweets

Jun. 7th, 2016 12:01 pm
scarfman: (Default)
  • Tue, 08:06: Today @horseyparalegal woulda been 58. I realized in April that I'd already got two months older than she ever got.
scarfman: (scarfman)
Last night I dreamed my wife died at home. It wasn't the house where we actually live(d), and it was stacked with moving boxes as if we'd just moved in though it'd been a year since we'd moved when she died (not that a year's unpacking had gotten done). We were talking about, and passing back and forth, some small device a neighbor was trying to fix for her, separated by the boxes and out of line of sight from each other. Then she came into view and asked me if I'd called the police chief. I said I thought the neighbor under discussion was some other occupation than police chief. Then I noticed she was sparkly blue and transparent like Obi-Wan. I went over to where she'd been and her body was lying on a long flat stretch of box pile like it was a bed. There was a woman over there, who I guessed was the police chief my wife mentioned, or some other authority, here on business related to the death. We spoke a few exchanges but I'd been shocked enough that my wife was a ghost now that I was waking up and I don't remember the conversation with the police chief.
scarfman: (scarfman)

[grief post]

The character River Song on Doctor Who, the Doctor's so-called wife, was a recurring character during the years my wife was ill. She discovered the lump between the crash of the Byzantium and the opening of the Pandorica, and the second-to-last Doctor Who she saw was when the Doctor and River said goodbye. Listening to the soundtrack music I have for those years is something I do for the melancholy. So when it was announced River was being brought back for this year's Christmas special, for me that meant a story about my biggest hero getting one last visit with his wife long after their time together was done. In the event it was not as hard to watch as I thought it might be; and that disappoints me.

scarfman: (scarfman)

(I said I'd label grief posts from now on but this one's about not knowing whether something's grief or status quo.)

So after listening to the top hits station again for a week*, I returned to the eighties-till-now station this morning because top hits wouldn't come in on the desk radio. The eighties-till-now station, mind you, is the one I initially discovered because it's the, or a, station in town that plays Christmas songs all month from Thanksgiving. Except, I discovered this morning, they implement Christmas carols not Thanksgiving day but Thanksgiving week. I've been guessing, this being the second holiday season after she went, that this is when I'm going to find out what holiday seasons are going to be like from here on out. I won't know for sure till the third time, really, but I wasn't expecting to start gathering data till Thursday.

* And being taken aback at how much the playlist has changed while I was away for a few months. Classic rock stations don't do that.

My tweets

Nov. 2nd, 2015 12:03 pm
scarfman: (scarfman)
  • Sun, 20:40: You know, while I appreciate them, I don't need expressions of concern every time I mention my wife...
  • Sun, 21:13: Nngh. That's right, the time change was this morning. The other oven is the accurate one now.
  • Sun, 21:17: Can you imagine if people got into ship-war style fights about normal things? Like what flavor of cake you...
scarfman: (scarfman)
You know, while I appreciate them, I don’t need expressions of concern every time I mention my wife’s passed away. It’s been fourteen months. It’s status quo.

There was one person who offered condolences this week because she hadn’t seen any post about it until now, and that’s fair. If you find out someone’s got married while you were away you say congratulations. But once. When someone’s stopped being married you don’t need to offer condolences every time they mention it.

There is a melancholy that’s never going to go away and sometimes I post about that, yes, like that LJ post earlier this week about other LJ posts about losses. But sometimes mentioning it in a post is just housekeeping, like that post about Netflix M*A*S*H earlier this week. Any melancholy in that post was more about watching M*A*S*H since 1974 than it was about being married a long time and then not.

Thanks for your sympathy, honestly, but let’s try something: from now on when it’s a grief post I’ll say so up front.
scarfman: (scarfman)
You know, my Netflix M*A*S*H rewatch is at its end, and it’s been fourteen and a half months since my wife passed away, but Goodbye, Farewell and Amen has never been something I could watch again just because it’s happened to come on and I’m thinkin now’s not the time.

My tweets

Oct. 11th, 2015 12:03 pm
scarfman: (scarfman)
  • Sat, 13:45: Here's something weird: The last two times I've had more'n one serving of chocolate milk within a few hours it's come back up.
  • Sat, 16:00: Photo: More handdrawn triangle sketches. I like to say I don’t ship Doctor/Rose but the Doctor and Rose...
  • Sun, 09:22: Integration Was One of The Worst Things To Ever Happen To Black People.
scarfman: (scarfman)
After a year and a week, here are some things I think I know.

1. Grief triggers get older and lose potency, and are replaced by fresh ones.

2. I may never get entirely straight which verb tenses no longer take first person plural.

3. We raised good kids who’ve married good people.
scarfman: (scarfman)

Sweet dreams be yours, dear, if dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me
I wish they may, and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

scarfman: (scarfman)

Visiting my in-laws this weekend. They're getting on in years and not getting around so well. They hobble along after each other, putting dinner on or something, squabbling mildy. I watch them and I'm thinking: this is what my wife was looking forward to for us, that the cancer took away. It's good to see others having it.

Monday it's one year. And, I learned today, my in-laws' 58th wedding anniversary.

scarfman: (scarfman)
August 17 is the anniversary of the day I consider the founding of my internet fanfiction universe(s), the day in 1997 when I started posting new material regularly, with summer breaks; at the time, weekly chapters of Doctor Who/Star Trek crossovers on alt.drwho.creative and alt.startrek.creative both. It's also the anniversary of the day last year when my wife passed away, an hour or so after I wondered online whether I ought to start the new Hero of Three Faces cartoons season that day as planned or wait till my life settled down again; knowing, even as I speculated aloud, what that would mean. The Hero of Three Faces season started the next weekend. This year's Hero of Three Faces season premier (and probably every subsequent season premier) will update August 17 featuring the Doctor in his tenth incarnation and Rose Tyler, the characters who made my favorite tv show into her favorite tv show. It may go up anytime after 12:01 am GMT, even though I usually go by CDT with Three Faces, because season premiers bring out my enthusiasm; but it may not go up right at 12:01 because I'll be traveling the 16th. After that there are nine more ready to go at this writing which I will probably upload daily in order not to have to edit tentative posting dates already entered in my spreadsheet.
scarfman: (scarfman)
You can't have too much diversity. There's centuries to make up for.

Today I miss AKOTAS enough to wonder how the spreadsheet formulas would have to be updated.
There are all those years I skipped over.
The trick may be to get enough distance from AKOTAS so that writing it feels like writing fanfiction.
In the 90s I did that with Dailies characters from the 80s.
And/or start another side blog at Tumblr.

thinking about starting another side blog, for artistic nudes thinking about starting a side blog for...

Reviving AKOTAS as daily gags again is an attractive prospect (assuming any revival), but today I'm thinking no, better some new format.
On the other hand, tryna do AKOTAS as a novel only reminded me that gag panels are my best thing. Hmm.

Forty years of tv storytelling progress: Meredith Grey throws up on camera when B.J. Hunnicutt hadda turn his back.

Reddington pulls out all his IV tubes and I think, "There are no strings on me"

Photoset: unite4humanity: Watch the Baltimore Police LIE and get called out by a reporter for The...

Did Star Trek invent the trope where Jack the Ripper is something bodiless that possesses someone new every...

The new associate pastor's first sermon quoted Tolkien and amounted to, "We're all stories in the end."

Steve did not expect the hammer would move. Once he realized it was going to move, however, his reflexes...

I believe if you’re disappointed in a STAR WARS movie that has lightsaber battles and speedy piloted flying...

These are my first vanilla zingers since my wife died. #runningoutoffirsts
scarfman: (scarfman)
Man, I knew the holiday season would be a solid month of grief trigger, but the onset of spring?
scarfman: (scarfman)
My computer repair guy tried replacing a blown component on the board of my wife’s exterior drive that she knocked off the couch, and he powered it up, and another component blew. He says the problem’s damage to the motor, and the data recovery would require transferring the plates to another drive in a professional clean room the like of which service starts at about a thousand bucks. Up till then, since he’d opened it up last week, he’d been confident he’d be able to not just recover the data but probably repair the drive, so this news is very disappointing. I don’t even really know what she had on the drive; mostly photos and videos of David Tennant, probably, but it might also be where she had some of the ones from our cameras, among similar things I’d like to have if I knew they existed. I was looking forward to finding out, and to transferring there all the files from her last laptop and from all her flashdrives so I could have the files all in one place to go through (and the flashdrives freed up for my use). I can get another exterior drive for the files from other places but for a few days I thought I’d have it all. Not that I’m going to throw this drive out.

August 2017

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